sometimes i think i must be quite stubborn
to do things that i want to do my way.
MY WAY.
today i went for another interview
the address i took down was 423 XXX street
i planned the journey, planned the time
when i reached there, 423 XXX st was a house
._. stun.
no hospital.
call for help.
bus/tram journey took 40 mins.
ask.
nice lady along street says too far to walk but all the way down the road.
so
in rain
i walk
walk
walk
40 mins later,
i triumphantly turn up in front of the hospital
(: albeit with 5 blisters on my foot.
i dunno what kept me going then
when i couldnt find the hospital,
part of me wanted to give up
and just take the bus home sleep,
but another part of me said
i cant just waste my time,
i must finish what i came here to do, there s time anyways
now thinking back
quite glad i kept on
cuz the interview was interesting
and i managed to do all the shopping i needed.
slippers now :D
i think i walked at least 2 train stations.
oh wells (:
things really turned out for the best today
what i couldnt find at the glen,
i found at brighton
after the torturous journey to get there tho.
hmm exercise enough for today.
tmr wear slippers D:
obstinacy.
its been quite a while since i ve blogged
haha as you can see from people prodding my blog
i would have thought that noone s interested in what im doing
but anyways these two days have been quite a hurdle to cross
starting with the nagging pain in my metatarsophalangeal joint
yep i love that word love how its so long
and it has 7 syllables in it (i hope. its been a while since i did math)
but anyways in human (meaning non med student) terms,
its the joint that is the ball of your foot
the one that you balance and walk on and do everything on basically
its been bothering me abit
now plus the pain in my back
it prodded me to go see a doctor
(i still hvnt seen a doctor for my gastric pains. remind me later)
well. i have to say
that monash would have to employ some doctors actually trained in clinical skills
and for breaking any sort of news
cuz he took one look at my joint + poked at it abit
and announced that i had arthritis of that joint
well pardon my limited medical knowledge at this point
but to me arthritis still sounds like something that only older people have
when their joints are creaking and need some oiling
but no he said that to me.
that my hyaline cartilage at the joint has probably been worn thinner such that there is inflammation now causing that pain.
he warns me
you have to keep off it for 2 weeks
if the pain persists
we have to take an x-ray
(and prepare for it)
you may not be able to do high intensity sports again
.
at that point in time
i was just too stunned to do much
i mean
sport to me
since stepping onto the dojo as a blur disillusioned (whywhywhy did i choose judo) secondary 1 kid
has become part of my life
i function because i exercise
being told that i cant run, was kind of like 晴天霹雳
i didnt know how to respond
and i think i was probably in shock and not yet absorbed that fact
i went on to tell him about my back pain
which he pronounced as sciatica
it amuses me to no end that
sciatica was the topic i was supposed to present on
for anatomy class just after that appointment.
wow.
talk about apt.
but yea. he said again keep off it.
i have weak back muscles (really???)
and printed an information sheet for me
which consists of MOST OF THE FLOOR EXERCISES I DO EVERYWEEK
pardon me while i laugh at the absurdity of this.
oh wells. i take the information sheet.
i was fine, telling my friend about the encounter
then i decide to call my mom and tell her.
once the dial tone rang
reality sank in
the fact that i may be unable to run
may be unable to do high intensity sport
really hit me
before my mother even picked up the phone
i had started to sob
i think i freaked her out again
i think just by me being overseas, i have added extra wrinkles to my mommy s face
for her worrying about me, being sick, being stressed, exams etcetcetc
and with the added fact that i call home crying everytime something happens
i hate to do that
but sometimes really
all i want to do is to crawl into mommy s arms and cry
because i just feel so helpless here
away from my comfort zone, away from home
i dont even know where my comfort zone is
but its definitely not here in this foreign place.
mommy tried to reassure me,
telling me the doctor is a POS and that he was probably trying to scare me
and over exaggerated the degree
inside i was still ...
but for her, i reassured her that i felt better.
i thought i was better. i really did.
but walking to class 5 minutes later,
feli asked me what was wrong,
and i just broke down on the path.
again.
i think i scared her and kevin too.
again i cried, i felt better, i reassured myself
but after class, after i met tim,
the tears came anew.
somehow they just dont stop.
i felt better after talking
but there s still a nagging voice at the back of my head
going 200km/hour
i am scared. i think.
of being "less that what is me"
if i cant run, cant skate, cant do judo, cant play sports anymore
i dunno
time would tell?
on a side note, last night we went to a talk
by a neurosurgeon
or rather by THE neurosurgeon, the director of neurosurgery at the Alfred
and the talk really inspired me again
told me how all this sitting at the table studying
isnt just for passing the exam
its like mindfulness,
relaxation is just a side effect, not the ultimate aim
passing the exam would just be a bonus,
not the ultimate aim
i would want to be a competent doctor,
not just a booksmart one
and to achieve your dream,
you would have to put in hard work
and to achieve your dream,
you would have to find chances for yourself
not be afraid of failing
dont be afraid of failing
be afraid instead
of giving up hope
of giving up what you have been working towards
thats what i got from the talk
look at him,
he s been everywhere
germany, edinburgh, pittsburg, sydney, adelaide, singapore, melbourne
just for his dream
the many changes
the many stressors him and his family must have faced
for him to have undertaken this journey
to reach where he is now
he wasnt afraid to dream
neither was he afraid of taking chances
and i think thats what i should learn
it should be time
that i take the responsibility onto myself
to pro-actively seek my dream
instead of waiting for it to come to me
because
dreams are to be pursued.
(:
yay i ended on a happier note.
